Everybody Just Chill!

Times are exceedingly rough, aren’t they? It seems that every day some new absurdity comes out of Washington or some new hellish environmental crisis updends several parts of the world. If that isn’t bad enough, we had more people losing their ever-loving minds and shooting up places and people all across the US. What are we normal, civilized people to do? We could panic. Panic might be good. Panic might help us focus to find a way out. Panic might also cause us to just shut down. We could revolt. Revolt might be good. Revolt might be sufficient push back so that the crazies realize that we aren’t the pushover they want us to be. Revolt also could be playing into their hands where violence is their love language. Or we could just chill. Chilling takes the temperature down pretty quickly. Ghandi and Dr. King both taught extensively on non-violent, civil disobedience as the best response to effect positive change in the face of oppression. What I think I’m seeing happen out there is a next-level approach to that premise. Effecting positive change through actively chilling. The best example is Portland, Oregon where they enjoyed a party in the streets in response to the Federal invasion. I saw something similar in Los Angelos when the Feds invaded there, too. This response is direct, immediate, unmistakable, extremely non-hostile and while evocative, not provocative. I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of Americans would prefer peace and civil dialogue to armed Federal invasions of our cities, towns and neighborhoods. I’m pretty sure that there are so very many of us that we will likely be successful in meeting fire power with friendly chill power. So what does this have to do with family law? All too often, the family’s dynamic has morphed into a power relationship not unlike that in Washington where those on top take more and more and more while rather actively attempting to crush those from whom they take. Marriages suffer this dynamic. Divorces are often the result of this dynamic, when the taken spouse has had enough of being taken and realizes that the taking spouse only has as much power as the taken spouse yields to them. A Contempt action is often the result of this dynamic where the taken ex-spouse is sufficiently over being taken by the taking ex-spouse in not receiving child support or alimony or property ordered by the Final Decree that they declare, “this shall not pass!” A Modification action is often the result of this dynamic where the taken ex-spouse is sufficiently over being taken by the taking ex-spouse who has been enjoying the benefit of a change without balancing the consequence for that change or circumstances have become so intolerable that the taken spouse can no longer allow them to continue. In our line of work, family law, we operate in this dynamic every day. So we know a thing or two about this dynamic. So, applying it back to a chill response. Some action must be taken to preserve your sanity and the future, no doubt about it. But given the possible responses, only one accomplishes the objective without playing into the opposition’s hands. Active Chilling. Take action but with a happy, convinced, committed, pro-active face. Happy because the very act of moving forward means resolution is coming. Happy because the pro-active, positive component means your dignity is intact, your future becomes more secure, your peace is immediate and most likely sustainable. So take a page from Cher’s playbook in Moonstruck where she says to a former suitor, “I will dance on your grave and I will wear a red dress.” Let’s get ready to do some grave dancing, shall we? Now chill, everybody. -Michael Manely