The news was unexpected. Harsh. Unwelcomed.Gutting.
That news is always unexpected, harsh, unwelcome, and gutting.
It is natural to grapple with blame, shame, regret, and anger. That is the source of the “if onlys” and “what ifs” that spiral in the mind at the loss of someone – whether to death, divorce, or deportation. The minds of those left behind.
The unexpected commonality -for the three harsh, unwelcome, gutting new truths- is the fount of blame cannot be distilled to one cause. One reason, one person, one choice, one fight, one policy. A bitter reality. Because pointing at a singular noun to blame would be both comforting, yet biting. A balm that stings, soothing and healing the ache of a wound. But such a medicine does not exist; blame is merely a placebo.
Life, which ironically includes death, divorce and deportation, would be a whole lot simpler if singular causes were the sole source of blame. Unfortunately, that is too simple – too clean.
On grief from death, no matter the manner and no matter the when – the “if onlys” and “what ifs” are inconsequential. The soothing sensation of “I’d have never known” to justify having not acted on “if only” and “what if” does not heal, repair, or mend the hollow place of someone now missing. Whether a death is caused by accident, illness, or intent – the spiral of blame, shame, regret, and anger will always swirl.
Grief from divorce is no less complicated and aching, though often easier for many. The identify of blame feels more righteous and worthy to point out – the ex: their choices, their betrayal, their failures. Yet even still, it is far too simple to identify one noun in isolation, in a vacuum, to point the finger at.
Grief from deportation is a loss many may have never experienced. It’s a more common reality to some than others; a more common reality now than ever. Deportation is the culmination of both a death of a dream and an ideal with a divorce from security of a home and a future. No one noun in isolation answers the call of blame.
If anything heals the wounds left open from loss caused by death, divorce, and deportation it is the recognition that identification for blame does nothing, identification for change does everything. Change cannot prevent death all together, but it can certainly make living more intentional, meaningful, streamline the “if onlys” and “what ifs” down to a manageable list. Change may not save a marriage, but it can prevent history and mistakes from repeating itself into heartbreak again and again. Change may not prevent or rehabilitate today’s impact of a country’s historically broken immigration system, but it can ensure a better future for a nation’s citizens and citizen-hopefuls.
Change is the balm to the crippling wound that grief leaves behind. Change is the essence of learning and healing. May healing happen in the wake of grief.