That very first night, I sagged into the couch cushions. Tie, still half done, and suitcase at my feet. Divorce papers left with a note on the coffee table. Welcome home.
That very first night, I was numb with exhaustion. Home from an business trip only to realize the doors on my marriage were locked just as tightly as the one to our bedroom. Where she slept soundly, and I stared exhausted across the living room.
That very first night, I was in denial.
It did not take long for my denial to fester to rage, perhaps twelve hours. Because, that very next morning, I cursed; I yelled; I stomped around. I made my wife hear every bit of anger and hate. I tried so hard to keep her from ignoring me. I was loud in my anger. I took up space. But, she seemed unphased.
That very next morning and for far too long afterwards, any reminder of her ignited fury in me. Those flames didn’t bank for nearly six months.
After those first few months, I was focused on negotiations. If she got This, then I should get That. If she wanted the left shoe, I wanted the right. If she wanted this quick, I wanted it slow. Every item, sentimental or valuable, was a pawn to bargain with. It could have been a ball of lint, and I wanted to discuss who was responsible for throwing it away.
After those first few months, I was frustrated with how easy she was making it. I asked for This, and she’d agree. I’d pivot and ask for That, and she’d relent. It is hard to bargain against no-one.
It didn’t take too terribly long for me to accept that there was nothing to win from a one-sided chess match. I felt hollow and alone in my feelings. She’d moved on, moved out, started over. And… I hadn’t. A cloud of grey and gloom had rolled in over my mood. For what felt like years, with time ticking by slowly, I was depressed.
I wallowed in my depression, consumed that nothing would change. It’d now been two years since the ink has dried on that divorce decree and only just now am I working on my acceptance. I’d made myself miserable enough for a lifetime.
It didn’t happen all at once. I did not wake up one day feeling better off for the dissolution of my marriage. I did not start sprouting words of joy and appreciation for my ex wife. But, I did, with incremental effort, stopped wallowing and I started living.