It’s a binary choice, right? When you are faced with something you’d rather not endure, do you put your head in the sand or do you draw a line in the sand as if to say, “this line shall not be crossed?”
If you put your head in the sand, any cessation of the other’s conduct will be of short duration. If you put your head in the sand, you are signing up for suffering whatever repeated blows the other is hurtling down upon you. There is no end. There is only the present and the multiple presents that will certainly follow and the constant escalation from the absence of response.
And if you draw a line in the sand, where do you draw it? How certain can you be that it is where it ought to be? And, once drawn, how can you hold to it?
Deciding when, exactly, to take action is sometimes an extremely difficult decision, particularly when you are invested in whatever you are considering drawing a line in the sand about. You’ve invested money, time, labor, love into something. Now that something is causing increasing trouble, creating angst in your life, rocketing off in a disappointing if not perhaps a dangerous direction. Your prior investment makes you want to stick it out, not lose the benefit of that investment. Economists call this the Sunk Cost Fallacy, investing good money/time/reputation to try to justify the prior expense of money/time/reputation. But that expended money/time/reputation is spent and will not return. This is where the phrase, “throwing good money after bad” comes from. There is no good in wasting more money/time/reputation.
So, when should you rise up and confront the uncomfortable truth, the wicked direction your circumstance has taken. When should you wake up, smell the coffee and get the hell out of dodge?
I always advise that you answer this question when you are most calm, not moved by the moment whether that is a moment of anger or a moment of tenderness. Try to find a time when you are less propelled by your emotions. When you are calm, ask yourself to ponder and resolve that question, “where is my line in the sand? What conduct will I say is conduct too far, this I will not endure?”
What will you not endure? Is it when your spouse calls you a name? Is it when he raises a hand to you? Is it when he strikes you? Is it when he threatens your status, your livelihood, your life? You decide what you will willingly tolerate, what you will endure. And you should decide that when you are neither angry nor scared nor swooning.
Deciding your line in the sand is a strategy not just limited to romantic relationships. It works for all kinds of relationships. It works for all kinds of circumstances, too. How much should anyone endure before they’re sufficiently fed up, before they’re mad as hell and they’re not going to take it anymore? How much of an onslaught to their sense and sensibilities must they endure before they rise up to take a stand and yield no more.
So, in the binary choice of putting your head in the sand versus drawing a line in the sand, you do not advance your cause by putting your head in the sand. Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away unless you are relying upon a divine intervention. Drawing a line in the sand on the other hand, is an assertive step forward. “This I shall not endure,” at least tells you when to take the next step.
Now the question becomes, what is that next step?