The old saying goes that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. We see this play out in family law under many circumstances. The worst one involves child custody.
Let’s say a mom is convinced that the dad is a bad guy, maybe she’s pretty certain he has abused their child. Mom has marshaled her evidence and hired her attorney who has presented her case but mom winds up losing badly. The Guardian ad Litem doesn’t perceive the facts the way that mom does. The Judge decides that mom has embellished or perhaps even made up the evidence in an effort to run dad off so that he can’t have a relationship with the child.
Mom thinks, “Yeah, he shouldn’t have a relationship with the child, he has abused her. The Guardian is against me. The Judge is against me. They are wrong. I am right. I just need to fight on.”
The Judge has awarded custody to Mom, no one really argued otherwise. The Judge has also Ordered what Dad’s visitation looks like. Dad is awarded every other weekend and dinner on the off weeks as well as half the holidays and an average summer vacation schedule.
Mom is incensed. “The Judge doesn’t care! The Guardian is stupid. She took Dad’s side. She bought every lie that Dad told her. I won’t let that abuser abuse my child again!”
So Mom does what she believes she needs to do to protect her child, she frustrates visitation. The child is suddenly sick at drop off time. Maybe the child conveniently isn’t home when visitation is supposed to begin. Maybe Mom and Child just happen to be away during Dad’s holiday times.
At some point, Dad is sufficiently frustrated that he files for Contempt against Mom for denying his visitation.
Mom comes to Court with more of her evidence plus rehashes some of what was brought up during the divorce trial. The Judge is even less impressed and now is a little pieved that Mom is not following the Judge’s Order. The Judge admonishes Mom, Orders her again to not only allow but even facilitate visitation and even awards Dad some modest attorney fees for having to hire counsel just to see his child.
Mom is even more incensed and frustrated. “This Judge is aiding and abetting an abuser. Maybe the Judge is an abuser herself! The Judge doesn’t care what happens to my child. The Judge doesn’t care what happens to any children. The Judge shouldn’t be allowed to sit in judgment on the bench!”
Of course, rather than follow the Judge’s Order to the letter, Mom decides to continue to deny Dad any substantial visitation with their child. When Mom allows a dinner here and there, she runs the child through the paces afterward, “What happened at dinner? Did your father take you anywhere private? Did he touch you in any way?”
STOP
Any family law attorney worth their salt would do their best to put a full stop to this because it doesn’t end well. This scenario gets played out often. Too often.
In our story, as is often true in life, Mom persists in denying visitation and making accusations. Perhaps Dad takes Mom back to Court three to six more times for Contempt. Each time ends a little bit worse for Mom. Each time, Dad gets a little more time with Child and a little more authority over Child. Each time the Judge is more convinced that Mom is the problem, not Dad, and that Dad might be a better caregiver for the child than Mom.
Any family law attorney worth their salt would help Mom come up with a radically different game plan, one that doesn’t risk what is now an inevitable result, custody of the child swapping over to Dad.
Any family law attorney worth their salt would help Mom think about what her long term interests are, whether she wants to go down in flames and watch her child move to Dad’s house with Mom receiving only supervised visitation, if that.
Mom must look at the history in her case and realize that she hasn’t been successful so far and therefore predict that she is not likely to be successful in the future if she follows the same strategy. Mom must change course or go ahead and accept that she will soon hit that impending brick wall.
Now, some Moms in this scenario can’t change course. Some moms are so wedded to their narrative that they stay on course, plow ahead and reap the all too predictable damage. Some moms are just bent on self destruction.
None of this is to say that Mom was wrong in her perception that abuse had occurred. Perhaps it had. But the reality here is that her approach did not fall on friendly ears and therefore was not given a friendly reception. Future battles won’t change the war’s result. So what’s Mom’s goal, fight until the war (and the child) is lost or take a different tact to accomplish a different, accomplishable outcome? Is the goal to have your day in Court or to accomplish the best outcome possible under the circumstances?
Mom’s better course is to change tactics, stay out of Court. Don’t give Dad any cause to file for yet another Contempt. Why go where you are not wanted, anyway? Create a new strategy that maximizes Mom’s chance of keeping custody of Child. Mom is far better to equipped to care for a child that lives in her house than a child she only gets to see for three hours a week under supervised settings.
So, what does Mom want? What does the child need? Which will win out?