Navigating Gift-Giving Between Co-Parents: Legal, Financial and Emotional Tips
For many people, especially children, gift giving is a tradition that sparks joy every holiday season. However, for separated parents, co-parenting through the holidays can be stressful. There can be disagreements about budgets in each household, potential duplicate gifts, and competition can form for the child’s affection or trying to become the “favorite parent” or “winning Christmas” with the best gift.
At The Manely Firm, we believe it doesn’t have to be that way. Holidays can be joyful, peaceful and child-centered. Here are some points to share with your co-parent to help approach the holiday season with fairness, compassion and respect.
1. Keep the Focus on the Child, Not a Competition
It is so natural to want to spoil your child and buy them exactly what they want for the holiday season. Co-parents can easily fall into a competition with each other by wanting to have the favorite gift or best gift. Children pick up on this strife, and it is vitally important to ensure your child doesn’t feel obligated to pick sides this season (or ever!). Keep a child-centered approach to gift-giving, by avoiding extravagant gifts designed to win favor. Children remember experiences and how you made them feel, not necessarily the gifts. Consider gifting a fun experience with your child, like a trip to the zoo or aquarium, or doing something they love, just the two of you. Prioritize making your child feel loved, not making yourself feel validated.
2. Discuss Budgets, and Keep it Respectful!
Finances can be a stressful and emotional topic, especially after a divorce. It is important for co-parents to be aligned on budgets going into the holidays, to avoid any misunderstanding between each other or the children. Have an open dialogue with your co-parent about a fair budget you can both stick to, to keep gifts balanced at both houses. Be respectful of your co-parent’s budget, and be flexible! Both of you are focused on making the holidays special and magical for your child, while keeping it balanced and fair, so be respectful of their financial situation.
3. Coordinate Gifts to Avoid Duplicates
It can be incredibly disappointing to save for something your child truly wants, just to find out they opened it the day before at your co-parent’s house. We suggest sharing the child’s wish list with your co-parent and discussing what you both intend to buy. If there is a large gift, suggest splitting the cost with your co-parent and coordinate a time you can potentially give it to your child together. If that is not possible, be sure to include the other parent in the gift giving, either via Facetime or taking and sharing a video. Include encouraging words to your child that the gift is from both of you, so the child feels equally loved! Alternative ideas are splitting the items, like one parent buying a bike and the other buying the helmet and accessories.
4. Keep Santa Magic Consistent Across Homes
If the child celebrates Santa, keep the magic alive no matter where the child is sleeping. Most children have an “Elf on the Shelf,” which will need to travel between homes. Discuss the rules between each parent about who can touch the elf, or what conversations the Elf has had with reindeer or Santa, so your co-parents are in the loop. Be sure to discuss how Santa brings gifts (wrapped or unwrapped, large or small) and when stockings are opened. It is also important to discuss certain traditions between houses, like if a gift is opened on Christmas Eve, or if they have advent calendars they want to keep up with! Remember, the magic of the holidays is created by you, for the joyous memories of your babies.
5. If Communication is Strained, Use Neutral Tools
The holidays naturally can be a stressful time, and a strained co-parenting relationship can aggravate that stress. If communication is difficult between you and your co-parent, using a neutral app can help! Consider utilizing an app like OurFamilyWizard to communicate, or syncing a family calendar on Google or Cozi Family Calendar. This can help ensure that everyone is on the same page for the holiday schedule, which is usually different, and communicates effectively and respectfully.
Gift-giving in the holidays should be joyful, not stressful. Keeping a common goal of your child’s happiness at the forefront of your communication should improve your communication and alleviate some conflict.
If at any point your disagreements over the holidays become too much or you believe your parenting plan needs adjustment, we would be happy to help you. Our guidance is led by compassion and tailored to suit your and your families needs, so that you can focus on making the season bright for those who matter most to you!
Tara Murphy
