The front door closes, and before there is a “hello,” “how was your day,” “happy you’re home” my spouse’s voice rings out with annoyance from the living room:
“Why did you park in the driveway?? The kids were going to play with sidewalk chalk. Because of you, now they can’t.”
My mouth opens to respond, and then closes, then opens. But I am speechless. It is like I can’t do anything right.
It doesn’t matter that I did not know the kids wanted to play with chalk.. From what I can see, they’re little heads bent over the kitchen table doodling, they look engrossed in their drawing..
It doesn’t matter that when driving home I saw the rain clouds forming in the distance looking like a summer thunderstorm soon.
It doesn’t matter that every Thursday morning I have to leave for work well before sunrise, and we’d agreed its better I park in the driveway Wednesday nights so the garage door opener wouldn’t wake everyone else up. It doesn’t matter it is Wednesday.
Instead, I pick up my keys again from the hall table and turn around, exiting the door I had just pulled shut. I move my car without complaint feeling the wind pick up and watching the sky darken. Once I return to the living room, I announce, “I moved the car so there is now room in the driveway to draw with chalk. I’ll go change and grab the supplies” but my words are barely acknowledged.
The five minutes it took to change out of work clothes must have been too long, because the next exasperated comment I hear travel up the stairs is:
“Well the chance has been wasted. It’s raining.” It almost sounds like the weather is my fault too.
For months now, I’ve felt stuck in this loop of knowing nothing I could say in response would matter. It seems like it is always small things, silly things, almost inconsequential that I am asked about with accusation, annoyance, and disgust:
“Didn’t you just get a hair cut, why do you need another?”
“Why are you taking Main Street when Johnson Circle is faster?”
“How come you told your mom the kids were sick? Now she wants to come over and make them soup.”
I stopped responding with answers – that it had actually been weeks since my last haircut, I was only following the GPS directions, and soup from my mom doesn’t seem like a bad thing – because no answer was satisfactory for my spouse. Instead, answers were an invitation for a fight. Answers were readily dismissed as stupid, inconsequential, and useless.
I was dismissed as stupid, inconsequential, and useless.
But, this loop seemed endless. If I can’t do anything right while married, how could I ever hope to do anything right once divorced? Wanting to end my marriage seemed like the easy way out with no actual peace or solution; just more problems.
It was after a year of effort that I made an appointment to talk to a lawyer about options. Coming to terms that nothing will get better if I don’t do anything was a tough lesson. My spouse may not think I can do anything right, but I know talking to an attorney about my options isn’t wrong.