At some point in every marriage, everyone contemplates getting a divorce. But how can you ever know that you should get a divorce? Is there ever a time when you are certain?
First, distinguish getting a divorce from getting information. As the maxim goes, "knowledge is power." It is never a bad idea to have more knowledge. It is never a bad idea to have a bit more power. Learning about your rights and how the facts of your situation suggest your probable outcome should you divorce, does not mean you must or will follow through to obtain a divorce.
At the Manely Firm, P.C. we do not encourage people to get a divorce. We encourage people to work through their issues to determine, as best they can, whether they should divorce.
There are many resources available to help you sort through this most difficult question. A helpful body of work is being assembled by professionals of many fields, including Dr. William Doherty. He has been developing a method for assisting married couples and individuals in a marriage to determine whether they want a divorce. His practice regimen is not yet available in all states, but his team is working toward that end. He has an excellent paper on his work located here.
Of course there are many self help books as well. To us, some books stand out as excellent resources for assessing where you are and where your marriage stands now. A ground breaking body of work is being written by John Gottman, Ph.D. His seminal work, "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," revolutionized the way therapists perceive functional and dysfunctional marriages. Dr. Gottman developed a method to predict whether or not a couple were heading toward divorce more than 90% of the time. He identified "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" which are the four disastrous ways of interacting that sabotage a couple's attempts to communicate. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Another excellent book is " How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It," By Patricia Love, Ed.D. and Steven Stosny, Ph.D. This is a hands on, "Mars and Venus" type of book. The authors posit that the single biggest factor in the divorce rate is the male-female connection. They assert that "the chronic stress of disconnection, which eventually afflicts most unions between men and women, stems from a slight difference in the way the sexes experience fear and shame..." They continue that it is not the innate differences between the sexes in fear and shame that drives couples apart, it is how the couple manages those difference. If the differences are managed with criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal or blame, the authors contend that your relationship will fail.
From these works, you can self-assess your marriage against, not an ideal or even optimal marriage, but one in which the partners are operating in good faith and on the right track.
If you are fairly sure that divorce is the direction you need to take, we recommend " The Good Divorce," by Constance Ahrons, Ph.D.
If there were a primer for how we practice, this would be it.
If you suspect you are ready for a divorce or even if you just want to gain some knowledge and resultant power, contact us at 678-269-6541 or michael@allfamilylaw.com for a consultation.
