Tonight's post about choices in divorce was written by our newest Attorney
addition to Lawrenceville, Brandy Alexander.
As children, we could not wait to become adults. As adults, we often wish
for the simpler times of childhood again. We grow up, we know better,
so we do better, our vocabulary changes, we learn to censor ourselves
and we learn not to let our emotions govern our actions.
divorce. In divorce, there is anger, there are hurt feelings and the bitterest
of words are spoken....not just by your soon to be former spouse, but
by you too. In the midst of the divorce you say to yourself, 'how
did I ever get lost in the game of "who can hurt whom the most."'
The thing is, divorce is a process inherently
driven by emotion; and with your emotions high, it is easy to forget the vast vocabulary
that you have accumulated; censoring oneself goes out of the window (because
before you know it, you have hurled insults back, often unintentionally)
and you find that once again, your emotions govern your actions.
It is hard to reconcile someone intentionally breaking your heart over
and over again with the someone you once loved (and perhaps still do).
It is harder still to watch yourself return that poisonous dagger back
at the person who was once your one true thing. You can make very little
sense of why you do it (besides the age old, "he did it to me first")
but you do it anyway, right? Because...well... isn't that what divorce
is all about- hurting the other person more than they have hurt you?
No. That is not what divorce is. All of the wisdom and patience you have
found in adulthood does not have to go out of the window when the papers
Divorce is about coming to grips with what once was a love you could not
imagine living your life without is not anymore. Divorce is accepting
that people change and grow and change again and sometimes, for reasons
that none of us understand, those people grow apart. Sometimes we have
reasons like infidelity or cruelty, but having a tangible reason does
not make the process any less emotionally taxing.
It is easy to be consumed by all of the bad. I think perhaps it is human
nature to want to hurt those who hurt you. But you are not getting divorced
to hear your spouse utter the words "fine, you win," you are
getting divorced because you are unhappy in your marriage and you may
have been for quite some tme.
Divorce is about finding your happy because, before you know it, you will
no longer be divorcing, you will be divorced. And besides, if in the end,
you want the children and the house and that new car that was bought a
month before the divorce papers were filed, remember, the old adage is
true: "you get more flies with honey than with vinegar." So be nice.
The next time you ready to hurl that poisonous dagger by responding to
the mean spirited and hurtful text your spouse just sent, don't forget
that adage, because as Robert Frost once said, "I can sum up everything
that I have learned about life in three words: It goes on." Shall
it go on for the better or the worse? Your choice.
When this chapter is closed, you want to be able to smile and say, I have
found my happy.